"Why don't you have a baby too?"

A few people that we have told about the impending small person have been quick to ask why I don't fancy the prospect of pregnancy. This is written to address that specific question.

Firstly, me and my ovaries are not on first name terms. Don't get me wrong, my vagina and I are the best of pals, but anything beyond my cervix is a conversation I don't want to take part in. I'm worse than useless at getting a regular PAP smear, and I am bloody terrible (no pun intended) on my period. A mix of PCOS and possible endometriosis makes each month's (or sometimes my bi-annual) bloodfest an agony induces swamp of hormones and hysteria. 

I don't like my womb. It can fuck right off, so the last thing I want to do is make it bigger, fill it with more things that one day will plunged forth into a living hell of episiotomies and afterbirth. And, added to that, I like the way my vagina looks at the moment - it really isn't in need of a remodel. 

But before any prospective foetus spews out, I don't want the prodding and the probing of the invasive ultrasound machines and inseminations. I can't stand the idea of influencing my hormones anymore than the bat shit crazy rage juice that floods my veins on an ever increasingly volatile schedule. And if an insemination worked, me pregnant would be a mess. My OCD, which currently manifests itself in hours of toilet paranoia, would not cope with having to actually pee solidly for three months... 

So those are some of the reasons I don't want to be pregnant. But of course, we just tell everyone it is because my wife is older, that she "went first", or that I'm better at delegation... whatever you need to get you through the day.